A Lawyer Joke

Okay, first of all, I don't hate lawyers. I really don't. Really. I'm related to some very nice ones.
And, if any of you are lawyers, please don't take this personally. It's just that this joke was so amusing.

One Monday morning, a man named Richard called a law office and said, "Excuse me, I would like to speak with Mr. Smythe. He's my lawyer."

The receptionist replied, "I’m sorry, sir; however, Mr. Smythe died last week."

The next day Richard called again and asked the same question. The receptionist replied, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, I am very sorry, but Mr. Smythe died last week."

Wednesday morning, Richard called for the third time. He asked to speak with his lawyer. By this time the receptionist had become quite annoyed. She snapped. "Sir," she yelled, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?!!"

Richard laughed. "Because I just love hearing it!"

How To Win An Academy Award

The Must See Movie of the 2010.

Blondes For The Win

Finally, I have found it! My official, new favorite blonde joke.



A lawyer and a blonde were sitting next to each other on a long train ride from Orlando to New York City. After about half an hour, the lawyer became bored and leaned over and asked the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde just wanted to take a nap, so she politely declined and leaned against the window to get some shut-eye.

The lawyer persisted. The game, he promised, was very easy and a lot of fun. "I ask you a question," he said, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep.

The lawyer, intent on playing, said, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." 'She's a blonde,' he thought. 'I'll make some money easy on this one.'

The blonde weighed her options and concluded she wouldn't get any sleep until she played a round or two. She agreed to play.

The lawyer asked the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde didn't say a word, just reached into her purse, pulled out a five dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer.

Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer was stumped. While he thought, the blonde fell asleep on the window. Not wanting to be bested by a blonde, the lawyer pulled out his computer, tapped into the WiFi and searched every database he could think of for the answer. He found nothing.

Finally, after over an hour of looking, the lawyer awakened the blonde and handed her $500. The blonde politely accepted the $500, stowed them in her purse, and shut her eyes again.

The lawyer, more than a little miffed, shook her awake and demanded, "Well, what's the answer!?

Without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, pulled out a five, handed it to the lawyer, and went back to sleep.

Pick-Up Lines

Once, a cousin and I joked about creating Ratethatpickupline.com. A quick glance way to see if someone's line was as cheesy and awful as you really thought it was. (Hey, sometimes a little perspective helps). The way I see it, we could have created a whole new list of wing man responsibilities. Right before someone makes a move, the wingman could bump up the stats on the line. ("Hey, I was gonna call you cheesy and reject you, but apparently that wasn't so bad.)

We never did create the site. It's probably for the best. Maybe we don't want to be giving people any ideas about really hideous pick up lines. Though that idea never quite took off, pick up lines can still provide a bit of humor in everyone's lives.

Here are some good pick-up line rejections:

Woman: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Woman: Is this seat empty?
Man: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Do you have a personal favorite pick-up line or line-block?

This Tickled My Funny Bone

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Proof Positive?

I know I said there wouldn't really be more jokes, but I hear this one, and it tickled me, so I'm throwing it up here.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Me Speak English Gooder Than You

English language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it, English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant,no ham in the hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England, and French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor are they pigs.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, then shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital? Or park on driveways and drive on parkways?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down, and in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all).

That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible and why it is that when I wind up my watch, it starts, but when I wind up this observation, it ends.

** I didn't make this up. I just wish I had.**

Writing Hell

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."